Why is effective communication important to success? with Connie Whitman – Ep.008

Mostafa  30:39  

So what are examples of people that have made the shift with the realization and awareness of their weaknesses and their strengths.

Connie  30:50  

It’s interesting. I taught one class to a client, it was a live event. And it was a two day event. And she left and came back after learning about the communication styles, right? And she was so cute. She comes marching in the next day. And she looked at me and I said, What, what’s the matter? Oh, my God, I can’t get the communication styles out of my head. I said, What do you mean? She said, I stopped at the gas station on my way home after the class. And I was analyzing the gas station attendant. Then I stopped at the food store. And I was analyzing the man in front of me, the lady behind me and the lady at the counter. And she said, Oh my god, I shifted to talk to them at their level’s pace, whatever it is right? That you learn about your style. I was laughing more. 

She said I had these great conversations that I never would have had. She’s a little introverted. She said this stuff works. I said it was like you had a magic wand. She says it was like I had a magic wand. She was so excited. 

So here’s the thing. It’s like anything else Mostafa, you learn the tool, and you go, yeah, I understand that. And you never use it. You’re good at it, you understand it, and you immediately apply it and you think I’m going to try it here, I’m going to try it there, you get good fast, what happens and this is really the expectation, you should start shifting without even thinking about what the other person’s style is. It’s just become such a natural part of you. You’ll start to slow down, you’ll start to speed up. You’ll start to give them more detail. You’ll start to fly 5-50000 feet in the air, it becomes intuitive. When you apply it over and over and practice it. It’s like anything else. If you don’t use it, you lose it. Understanding and application are two very different things.

Mostafa  32:37  

Absolutely. I mean, it takes time to get used to how it works, becomes a natural part of your behavior, and then use it.

Connie  32:44  

Sure, but it’s a tool, right?  It’s later on, we’ll tell everybody, it’s a free assessment. So here you have this masterful tool, you know, that’s scientifically proven. And you can use it immediately. Like, it’s as fast as that. You take it, you get the report, you could start applying it as easy as that. And if you want more, a lot of people want more because it’s such a fascinating topic to get into sight inside people’s heads that psychology piece that they love buying the book for that reason. So the book is, again, inexpensive, because we want everybody to become unbelievable communicators. 

And Mostafa today with what’s happening in the world, we need to communicate better with each other and understand each other and understand where people are coming from, you know,

Mostafa  32:45  

What exactly are you talking about with what’s happening in the world? There are a few things happening in the world.

Connie  33:36  

Okay, you name it, I’m talking about it.

Connie  33:41  

There, okay, you know it, we’re living through insanity in the US, the political craziness, right? And then the protests and then the riots and, you know, people are screaming to be heard, that’s communication, we shouldn’t be screaming to be heard, we should be able to sit at a table and say, let me understand your perspective and why you’re feeling that or why you’re coming from that. What was your filter that made you feel that way? Instead of screaming because no one’s listening? We’re just screaming louder than the other person. What is that doing?

Mostafa  34:19  

I could see how there is a lack of communication, both internally and externally with people that are in the middle of this whole thing. Like they have a hard time communicating with themselves to begin with. 

Connie 34:35  

Absolutely. 

Mostafa 34:36  

And they have a hard time. And by that I mean have a hard time understanding who they are, what are the weaknesses, what are their strengths? 

Connie  34:43  

Absolutely.

Mostafa 34:44  

And the rest of it, and then communicating that to people outside because once that happens, I bet a lot of these problems will disappear automatically. Like, yeah.

Connie  34:57  

I know. You just said something so important. Mostafa. That, it’s very hard to look within. Very, very hard. And it takes a lot of work. Because as you peel back your onion, you might not like what you see per se. Well, then there’s that opportunity to say what tools are available for me to educate and learn and create richness, right, to change myself, because we all have the answers inside of us. The world isn’t against us, right? We’re against ourselves. 

So that and the Communication Style Assessment, all of a sudden, you think that’s why I moved so fast. That’s why I make so many mistakes, because I don’t do enough research. You’re allowed to be kind to yourself, once you realize that and say, Oh, now I understand. This is what I have to do. So I don’t keep wasting time and money or making these silly mistakes after the fact that seems obvious. But you might be moving too fast that you don’t see that it could be a potential mistake.

Mostafa  35:56  

For sure. 

Connie  35:57  

Yeah. 

Mostafa 36:01  

What is your take on the following question? Should I try to communicate with everybody? Or should I try to go after and find people that I can connect with?

Connie  36:17  

That’s a loaded question. So here’s the answer. I caution you, if you surround yourself, where people think exactly like you, like Mostafa, if you and I and all of our friends move as fast as we move, and we have 50 projects going at the same time. And we don’t know how to unplug and stop, right? We do, but reluctantly, almost right. So if you surround yourself with people like that, what happens is you’re competing for each other’s attention, you’re competing with each other’s energy, you start talking over each other. And I’m doing this and I’m doing that we’re never really listening to what our peers are doing. Because we’re all in the same mind frame, you have to surround yourself with people that are absolutely different than you. 

So here’s my recommendation for anybody that’s a business owner, you need to, you can use the test for this too. But if you’re building a team, you need to have the Stimulating Motivator, the Innovative Organizer, the Heartfelt Advocate, the Precise Assessor and the Observing Designer, you need one of each on your team. And if you don’t, you still have exposure of blind spots, you’re going to waste time and money on making mistakes. And again, like a Precise Assessor. That would be somebody with stuff like you were saying an accountant or a bookkeeper or CFO, someone who likes to get into the numbers and dissect them and say you’re spending money here, you should be spending money there. That would be a Precise Assessor. 

So here’s the deal. You wouldn’t hire Mostafa or I to do your books, that would be a fatal mistake.

Mostafa  37:55  

You don’t want me in your books! I’m kind of an idea guy, like I look at the overall picture, here’s what the picture should look like. And that’s what I help people with. And if you try to get me on your books, it will be a disaster!

Connie  38:10  

A disaster. 

Mostafa 38:11  

Oh, yeah. So back to your comment about how it would be tough to work and look inside. Here’s my experience, if you don’t mind me sharing.

Connie  38:21  

Of course. 

Mostafa  38:21  

On the outside, it looks scary. As you’re trying to get in looks, it looks scary. And this is my experience. Your subconscious mind or your conscious mind goes, I have all these all sorts of problems here. Right? And then it says no, no, we don’t want to look at problems because there is that part of our brain. I don’t know if it’s the Limbic brain or what part of the brain is trying to avoid pain. And my problems and my weaknesses are pain. And when I think about working and figuring out what my weaknesses are the brain goes, No, no, no, no, we need to go have a Coke right now. Let’s go eat something sweet. And it takes us away from that. 

But what a perfect example for me is taking the last hot seat in my class. I started doing that two to two and a half months ago. So I’m like guys, here’s me. Tear me apart. Butcher me. I want to know what you thought of. First time when I was doing like holy shit. What are people going to say about me? 

And then when I heard the comments and the feedback, it was a tremendous help and value. When people are like, here is where you’re exposed. Here’s where your problem is. Here’s where you can improve. I would have had to spend thousands and tens of thousands of dollars to find out otherwise from an expert or in coach or somewhere else. When I went to my customers, I said, What do you guys think? What were my problems? And they’re like, here’s your problem, like, thank you. Now I know the problem, not only on the front end.

Connie  40:13  

But when you do that, think about that. If you thought if nobody gave you feedback, and you thought my program is great, my programs great, and you weren’t converting for them, for you to coach people, and you’re like, what am I doing wrong? You don’t even know because you think you’re perfect. So when you ask for that feedback, you’re getting honest, raw feedback. It’s only to help you do better. So you can’t take it personally, or in an offended way. You know what I mean? 

Mostafa  38:31  

Absolutely. And it’s such a liberating process. When you’re trying to tap into your own self, and try to understand and understand and realize who you are, and what are your weaknesses and strengths. And if you’re getting the next step is getting someone else to give you feedback, which is both liberating and is such a freeing exercise, that if you’re not doing it, I urge you, whoever is watching or listening, please please, for your own sake, for your family’s sake, for your customers, for your team, for everyone’s sake, become vulnerable, get to know yourself. Ask for help. Ask for feedback. And it’s just amazing. I’ll leave it at that.

Connie  40:52  

And Mostafa, what you said before, if you only have people that think and see things through the same filter or similar filter to you, you’re never going to see that gray area, because we put those blinders on. 

So we want to have people who see things and think of things and use different processes and how they take information and process it through their brain. All of a sudden, you’re doing this with your perspective. You’re going to save time and money, it goes back to that because now you’re not going to be making the same mistake because somebody else who thinks does more research, right or can do more accounting, you know better than you or I can do. All of a sudden, you’ve saved time and money. 

So we gotta get the blinders off. You can’t surround yourself with people that think exactly like you very, very dangerous, very dangerous,

Mostafa  42:11  

Exactly, because I think then it turns into an ego stroke session. 

Connie  42:16  

Yep. Great. 

Mostafa 42:18  

Amazing. You’re done a great job. You know, John, you’re amazing, keep doing the same thing you’re doing. They’re not criticizing you. They’re not giving you constructive criticism and feedback, which eventually all those positive feedbacks that you’re getting without the criticism will hurt you down the road.

Connie  42:41  

Can I share a funny story? Do we have time Mostafa? 

Mostafa  42:44  

We have all the time in the world.

Connie 42:45  

Oh, great. So I believe in the universe and angels and all of that. So I have a very spiritual side, right? So one of my friends does see angels. I know a few people think I’m crazy. That’s, that’s okay. I’m not crazy. I went to one of her workshops. It was a weekend workshop on the beach. It was awesome. And we had to do journaling and working and all of all about our internal wiring, right? This was a few years ago.

And she went around the room and shared the message of everybody’s Angel based on what they were working on and thinking and all of that. And she skipped over me. So immediately Mostafa I’m like, Oh, I think my angels are gonna yell at me. I think I’m in trouble. So I didn’t say anything. I thought maybe she just forgot good and didn’t say a word right? Because you don’t want the light to shine on you in front of people you don’t know. And then she comes back to me. She didn’t forget about me. She comes back to me last. She goes in, you, I’m like, okay, lay it on me. Like, what did I do? What did I do wrong? 

And it was interesting, because I knew it. But it was the first time someone verbalized it, that I thought, oh my god, I do have this problem. I was afraid of success. So she said your angels are saying you’re afraid of success, like you’re a moron, right? They call me out. You moron why? Why are you afraid of success? And this is what came out of my mouth at that moment. And this is what Mostafa is saying when people give you raw feedback, and you get to respond to it, why you did something, all of a sudden things come out of your mouth, and you’re like, Where did that come from? So when she said that to me, you’re afraid of success? Why are you fearing success? 

And my response was, I think people are going to think I’m a crook. Now anybody that knows me, Mostafa, I’m the furthest thing from a cook, right. I give things away probably too much. So the first thing is I am not a crook. But why in my psyche, something happened when I was a kid or whatever, that money, success. You’re a crook. And that was my fear that I was going to lose my friends and family. And they would think that I wasn’t a good person, too ridiculous. But until she verbally said that to me, and that came out of my mouth. I did one of these. Like who just said that? Where did that come from? And why do I feel that someone would think less of me than people that know me know where I’m coming from. 

So it’s very, very interesting when people share or call you out on something or give you honest feedback, right? That critical feedback that you can think and respond and articulate and find out where it’s coming from. It’s not easy work, guys right. Mostafa. This isn’t easy stuff. It’s work.

Mostafa  45:21  

Here’s my experience from yesterday, I was talking, I reached out to someone to help me with my funnel. And when I had the conversation, we hung up, we’re like, Alright, let’s talk later. And he messaged me and said, Don’t worry, we’re going to let the ego go as well go away as well. And I’m going ego. And I’m like, okay, so I reached back. I’m like, What part of the conversation may make you think that I’m egotistic? And he goes, Well, at some point, you said, I don’t want to take classes because I don’t need classes. And this is a guy that I reached out for coaching. 

So I went back. So I made a mistake. My communication was not perfect. So I went back, and I said, here’s what I meant by that. Here’s what I should have said, what I meant was I’m working 18 hours a day right now, I don’t have time to take classes. However, I’m reaching out to you for coaching, and some straight feedback. That’s what I need. So I clarified the communication error. He’s like, Okay, perfect. All right, good. So I think maybe that’s one way for us. I think clarification as we’re not perfect by nature. It would probably help.

Connie  46:32  

See if you didn’t take the time to do that. And because somebody would have said he’s a jerk. He thinks I have an ego. He’s got the ego! What an ass! Right. You could have easily done that. But put the halt in. 

Mostafa  46:42  

I did that. I was like, You’re telling me I have ego, inside, I’m going What the hell? What did I do? What did I say? And then I’m like, Alright, calm down Mostafa.

Mostafa 46:54 

Like I wrote back, I’m like, Bro, I want to know, which part of the conversation did I sound egotistic in there. He’s like, here’s what happened. And this guy was a straight guy. He’s a nice guy. He’s like, here’s what happened. I’m like, Alright, let me clarify. 

Connie  47:09  

You said something you didn’t mean, the clarification. And exactly what you said I physically don’t have time when I’m working 18 hours a day, I got to spend time with my kids and my wife. Right? But it didn’t come out that way, because we’re moving so quickly. So that’s just another example of an Innovative Organizer. 

What you did, that you move so fast, we don’t think about what we’re saying all the time. And people misinterpret it. So you have to go back when they give you little signals that feel weird. You need to circle back and say, whoa, you’re kind of blowing me off. What did I do? Because I can’t remember what I did. Maybe I said something that was misinterpreted. But you have to have the confidence, see, it goes back to the confidence, you have to have the confidence to go back and be able to say, let me explain myself, let me use my communication skills. So I’m always communicating in the sweet spot with others, right. That’s the confidence piece.

Mostafa  48:03  

Absolutely. 

Connie  48:04  

Yeah.